my thoughts

I'm still a baby Christian and I know it. My walk with Christ would be very difficult to describe. There are times in my life that I'm borderline OCD when it comes to reading my bible and there are other times I can't sit down and read it to same my life. Right now I've been going through the "can't sit down and read it" phase. This doesn't mean God hasn't been teaching me anything, but it might be the reason I take forever to get what he has to say. I mean I swear he just says the same thing over and over all the time. A part of me is like I get it, you give me the what, but could you tell me how? Great example: Everything I read relating to Christianity seems to have some form of "blooming where you are at". In other words don't think of what you could do for God if you had more money,time,etc. What can you do for God with where you are right now in life. This is really hard for me. The thing I want sooo bad is a chance to go serve at an orphanage. Well, that probably won't happen for awhile.

I'm left with what can I do? How do I serve God? How do I get to know him like I once did? Well I'm sure that what is going on at this very second is another test of character God has thrown my way. I need to be nice even when others annoy me. Yes this time of life seems to be all about character development. Jason and I got both got frustrated with each other at the same time. If you know us you probably know that is rare. He reacted harshly with words and I just boiled internally. Afterwards I kind of patted myself on my back for not releasing my fury on him and then the holy spirit convicted me. I may not have been overly harsh in spoken words but to him who knows all thoughts, I overeacted as well. My thoughts weren't exactly saintly. Yes I still need alot of molding in the potter's hands. Humility is something I struggle with. That is one of the reasons I so desire to work with the poor and orphaned. I think God is just using this time to make me stronger so I can handle all he will dish out.

So I basically cut television out of my life a while back. I see a little tv here and there (mostly when I go to Jason's house) but for the most part I avoid it like the plaque. Most the time you can't find a movie (or even a commercial) that doesn't contradict my values. Since that time cuss words don't even slip out of my mouth when I'm mad. I'm also not plaqued by as many temptations to sin. I cut television out of my life because I realized it tends to just be a distraction. Although it's amazing how many new distractions I can find. The internet seems to be my new vice. There tends to be more good than bad from it though. I am encouraged reading about other christians, listening to christian music, and staying in touch with other christians. My life is filled with so many non-believers that this is my place to be strengthened by others. I can be such a weak christian especially with so many who talk negatively about my faith. Here I find those who need prayers and also those who pray for me. You can't get enough of that!

Kristi

Longings of my soul

I want to be saint like in all I say and do.

It is the life that has no time for trifling that counts.
~ Amy Carmichael

I was reminded of that quote at about 10pm today. I realized that all I had been doing the entire day was trifling away all my time. I decided to listen to a Father John podcast so that I would be doing something to push me towards God. He talked about the time he spent with this homeless man. He talked about not just giving money to charities but actually getting to know the "least of these". Now that I think about it there was a blog I read earlier today that was talking about how jesus doesn't just want us to say to him, "yeah, I don't have the time for that, but I'll write that check to the needy in a few minutes." She talked about how we are so distracted that we don't know the fullness of God's presence. In other words God spent some time stirring up the desires of my heart.

I want to go overseas and take care of orphans. That is my deepest longing because through that I feel that is my ultimate calling in this life. I started to ask God, " Why fill me with such longings if I can't do anything right now. I want to serve you now but I just don't know how." I thought of how I want to live a life of complete devotion to God. I want to give him total abandonment but I just get distracted sooo easily. I sat down and prayed for maybe a minute or two. It went something like this,

" Saint Therese pray for me, ask jesus to teach me how to live each day for him now, ask him to help me become humble. Lord Jesus, please help me not to get distracted, give me focus. I need you but I don't know how to really know you. I don't even know how to read the bible right. How to make it meaningful. Lord Help me! I need more."

I went down stairs with an uneasiness in my soul. I was hungry I wanted more, more of Jesus. I started to clean up a little and then I could almost see the lightbulb go off. Each time I clean and my mom doesn't have to I'm serving. If I serve my family I am serving God. I could almost hear God say, "If you can't serve your own family how can you serve strangers." I always tell myself that I just want to be married so I can be with Jason all the time and by showing him constant love he would see God's love for him through me (and vise versa). It didn't occur to me that the same thing applies to my family. I cleaned all the dishes because I was determined to have a servant's heart (no matter how tired I was).

Serving others is good but, I'm afraid I'm looking at my actions too much. I think of mary and martha and how the one ran around cleaning and couldn't just sit down and be with Jesus. I'm afraid I'm too much like that. I need to get to know Jesus personally again. The problem is somewhere down the line I forgot how. So I just called Jason up and asked him if our new year's resolution could be to read through the bible together. I think there will be some times it will feel like a chore, but once I make it through the bible will start to make more sense and it will come to life for me. I told Jason how I can't do it alone. If we do it together we will help each other stick to it. I want to become like the saints and be completely in love with my lord, but I have to get to know him in order to love like that.

Pray for me,
Kristi Johnson