Let me hear you

I feel like God is calling out to me and I can't hear him. I prayed and heard a sound that either resembles screetching tires or a female scream, I heard the name Dana. I asked God to send me if he wanted someone to be his feet to someone in trouble. I still wasn't sure if I was hearing him right. So I asked him what to do. I kept asking God to give me a clear answer as to what he was trying to say to me. Oh and I realized how terrified I would be if I were to meet an angel. Well, at least I got an idea of how scared I would be when I heard any little sound my head was like what if he sends an angel?

I decided to get in my car and ask God where to go. I started to say Krogers, but heard Kmart pop in my head. So I went still not sure if I was hearing God. I came up to two cars on the side of the road. Only guys *gulp*. I pulled over and asked if they needed to use my cell phone. They said they were fine and someone was already on their way. I continued to Kmart. I circled the parking lot a few times and nothing. Then I saw a cop pulled over in a parking lot to a close by business. The thought of checking it out came to mind as I went to dismiss it I thought I heard a yes. I reasoned with myself its not smart to go out of your way to see what some cops are up to. Then I told myself if God wants me to do something he will direct me. So I drove close by. The whole time asking God for direction. Nothing. So I headed home disappointed. Is God trying to tell me something? Does he just want to know if I will obey without question? Why can't I hear him clearly?

Lord, teach me to hear you,

Kristi

So much to think on

Today was my last final. I'm free from class for about a month. I promised God I would spend more time with him. I approached it with the wrong attitude. Its something I feel I have to do and everything inside of me is fighting against it. Lately I've realized I don't love God. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying I hate him or anything of the sort. I've known it has been this way for some time but I wouldn't have admitted it to anyone. Then after listening to some preaching one thing said don't spend time with Jesus because you have to, out of a feeling of duty, do it out of love. If you don't love Christ ask him to do whatever it takes for you to realize how perfect and wonderful he is so that you can love him. Thats where I'm at today. I've loved Jesus before but I let the fire die. I let all the outside circumstances kill my relationship with Christ.

So right now I am getting back on the horse so to speak. I've known that he has remained with me. I just forgot how to be with him. He is trying to speak and I'm straining to listen.

Prayers needed,

Kristi

Feeling dead

What have I done for Christ lately? I can't say I've done much. I haven't treated him with respect. Sometimes he knocks and I meet him with the mindset, "I'm sorry this isn't a good time for me." My mind has been filled with worries. I long to go rest in his arms shielded from the cares of this world and filled with his peace. I don't even really know how to right now. Reading my last blog reminded me that I need to seek him where I'm at, but that continues to be a struggle to me. I want to serve him with other christians so that together we might build each other up and be strong. I need a home church. I need to be with others, to pray for each other. I'm really weak in my faith right now but I long for so much more. This is just me being honest with myself. I feel pathetic, like why can't I just see God in my life again? Why can't I start really seeking him, its what I really want to do, but I always let myself get distracted.

Pray that i find a renewal of mind and spirit,

Kristi

my thoughts

I'm still a baby Christian and I know it. My walk with Christ would be very difficult to describe. There are times in my life that I'm borderline OCD when it comes to reading my bible and there are other times I can't sit down and read it to same my life. Right now I've been going through the "can't sit down and read it" phase. This doesn't mean God hasn't been teaching me anything, but it might be the reason I take forever to get what he has to say. I mean I swear he just says the same thing over and over all the time. A part of me is like I get it, you give me the what, but could you tell me how? Great example: Everything I read relating to Christianity seems to have some form of "blooming where you are at". In other words don't think of what you could do for God if you had more money,time,etc. What can you do for God with where you are right now in life. This is really hard for me. The thing I want sooo bad is a chance to go serve at an orphanage. Well, that probably won't happen for awhile.

I'm left with what can I do? How do I serve God? How do I get to know him like I once did? Well I'm sure that what is going on at this very second is another test of character God has thrown my way. I need to be nice even when others annoy me. Yes this time of life seems to be all about character development. Jason and I got both got frustrated with each other at the same time. If you know us you probably know that is rare. He reacted harshly with words and I just boiled internally. Afterwards I kind of patted myself on my back for not releasing my fury on him and then the holy spirit convicted me. I may not have been overly harsh in spoken words but to him who knows all thoughts, I overeacted as well. My thoughts weren't exactly saintly. Yes I still need alot of molding in the potter's hands. Humility is something I struggle with. That is one of the reasons I so desire to work with the poor and orphaned. I think God is just using this time to make me stronger so I can handle all he will dish out.

So I basically cut television out of my life a while back. I see a little tv here and there (mostly when I go to Jason's house) but for the most part I avoid it like the plaque. Most the time you can't find a movie (or even a commercial) that doesn't contradict my values. Since that time cuss words don't even slip out of my mouth when I'm mad. I'm also not plaqued by as many temptations to sin. I cut television out of my life because I realized it tends to just be a distraction. Although it's amazing how many new distractions I can find. The internet seems to be my new vice. There tends to be more good than bad from it though. I am encouraged reading about other christians, listening to christian music, and staying in touch with other christians. My life is filled with so many non-believers that this is my place to be strengthened by others. I can be such a weak christian especially with so many who talk negatively about my faith. Here I find those who need prayers and also those who pray for me. You can't get enough of that!

Kristi

Longings of my soul

I want to be saint like in all I say and do.

It is the life that has no time for trifling that counts.
~ Amy Carmichael

I was reminded of that quote at about 10pm today. I realized that all I had been doing the entire day was trifling away all my time. I decided to listen to a Father John podcast so that I would be doing something to push me towards God. He talked about the time he spent with this homeless man. He talked about not just giving money to charities but actually getting to know the "least of these". Now that I think about it there was a blog I read earlier today that was talking about how jesus doesn't just want us to say to him, "yeah, I don't have the time for that, but I'll write that check to the needy in a few minutes." She talked about how we are so distracted that we don't know the fullness of God's presence. In other words God spent some time stirring up the desires of my heart.

I want to go overseas and take care of orphans. That is my deepest longing because through that I feel that is my ultimate calling in this life. I started to ask God, " Why fill me with such longings if I can't do anything right now. I want to serve you now but I just don't know how." I thought of how I want to live a life of complete devotion to God. I want to give him total abandonment but I just get distracted sooo easily. I sat down and prayed for maybe a minute or two. It went something like this,

" Saint Therese pray for me, ask jesus to teach me how to live each day for him now, ask him to help me become humble. Lord Jesus, please help me not to get distracted, give me focus. I need you but I don't know how to really know you. I don't even know how to read the bible right. How to make it meaningful. Lord Help me! I need more."

I went down stairs with an uneasiness in my soul. I was hungry I wanted more, more of Jesus. I started to clean up a little and then I could almost see the lightbulb go off. Each time I clean and my mom doesn't have to I'm serving. If I serve my family I am serving God. I could almost hear God say, "If you can't serve your own family how can you serve strangers." I always tell myself that I just want to be married so I can be with Jason all the time and by showing him constant love he would see God's love for him through me (and vise versa). It didn't occur to me that the same thing applies to my family. I cleaned all the dishes because I was determined to have a servant's heart (no matter how tired I was).

Serving others is good but, I'm afraid I'm looking at my actions too much. I think of mary and martha and how the one ran around cleaning and couldn't just sit down and be with Jesus. I'm afraid I'm too much like that. I need to get to know Jesus personally again. The problem is somewhere down the line I forgot how. So I just called Jason up and asked him if our new year's resolution could be to read through the bible together. I think there will be some times it will feel like a chore, but once I make it through the bible will start to make more sense and it will come to life for me. I told Jason how I can't do it alone. If we do it together we will help each other stick to it. I want to become like the saints and be completely in love with my lord, but I have to get to know him in order to love like that.

Pray for me,
Kristi Johnson

10-5-09

Last night I hung out with some friends. I got to see their version of humor, which Leslie would call bathroom humor. I was uncomfortable because they found everything hysterical and I was just disgusted. Bible class sure was right. The closer you are to God the harder it is to live in this world.

Today I heard a guy friend say that his life is hypocrisy. He said he's a church goer then goes home to and listens to metal. I just wish I had friends around me that live out their faith. I miss SBC where we all lifted each other up and it was a continuous cycle. We each got closer to God from each other.

I miss that and seriously long for it.

the intimate details of my heart and my struggles

 Be holy because I am holy.

 ~1 Peter 1:16

"I don't get it. You guys have kissed before? Why even bother it won't make a difference." That was my best friend's thoughts on how Jason and I have decided not to kiss again (since last February) until our wedding day. She thinks I'm nuts for waiting until I'm married to have sex. Since she knows my past she feels like I'm trying to be something I'm not or supressing who I am in order to please Jason. I told Megan he knows everything and she seemed to be doubtful that was true. She started listing my past sins and I was honestly able to say yes he knows. I should have told her he knows even more than you do. He knows every failure and every flaw. Guess what, he loves me anyways.

I was so frustrated with hearing that I was still the same girl she used to know. I finally emotionally spilled out my thoughts on sex and God's true design for mankind. I talked of how his love and forgiveness has helped heal me in ways I didn't think possible. I told her I'm at the point you can make fun of me all you want and think I'm weird because I have discovered everything I ever wanted and my life is going to be greater than imaginable. I talked of Jason's sacraficial love and how he wants to serve his wife with everything he has. I talked of how all I ever wanted to have someone to give everything to all my love and to have someone to return love in such a way. I tearfully talked about the best day of my life was when he washed my foot and in word and deed showed me he is that kind of man. 

" Since the fall of Adam and Eve, God has been calling us back to be reunited with Him again in that holiness. We do that by responding to Him through a life of obedience and prayer"

humble servant

I had been short tempered with Jason. I couldn't handle how all over the place he was. I felt more like a babysitter than a girlfriend.

In the evening we had a heart to heart where we talked everything out. We told each other what was bothering us and we each told the other what they needed to work on. It was approached in love and at that point there was no hard feelings between us. During this heart to heart i got a cut on my foot that stung really bad. Jason went and got a paper towel and washed my foot as he declared his love for me and the type of husband he wants to be. Talk about seeing Jesus in another person! I was definately wooed. He had gone from annoying to better than prince charming in a day's time. I was reminded of Jesus washing the disciples' feet. Tears ran down my cheek as I saw the man Jesus is shaping him into. I often don't deserve his adoration and love. This was one of those moments, but like Jesus he forgives and loves me anyways. He is teaching me to be more like Jesus.